How It Was Supposed To Be
by Durgas Dragon
Summary: The aftermath. Slightly rambling sequel to ‘Deserve’. NOT HAPPY. Death, in a sense. LOTS of angst. Inspired by...


**How It Was ****Supposed To Be**

_**Disclaimer: **__**Do not own. Do not make money from.**_

_**Summer**__**y: The aftermath. Sequel to 'Deserve'. NOT HAPPY. LOTS of angst. Inspired by Zhem's 'Still' (http://www fanfiction net/s/3366383/1/ or **__**http://zm1x5 livejournal com/46765.html) and Txilar's 'Forfeit' (http://txilar livejournal com/79564.html) (for all websites, replace the spaces with periods).**_

_**Author's Note:**__** Has not been proof-read by anyone other than me. Constructive critism welcomed.  
**_

_**Rating: T**_

**The whispers**** followed him everywhere. They always preceded the stares and glares—too many were angry and hateful and even more that were pitying and condescending. Everyone whispered when he walked pass, from little pre-genins to their parents to the ninjas on the streets to the shop keepers.**

**Not that he cared.**

**Not that it mattered.**

**It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was an order and he couldn't say no to it. His lover was supposed to come back and ask him why he had said the things he had, why he had done it. He was supposed to be able to explain everything and make it right and go back to living happily in the blissful joy his lover brought him.**

**His lover wasn't supposed to be so broken by the chain of events that he let himself be killed.**

**Things weren't supposed to end this way.**

**Iruka held the small box in his hands and felt the hole in his chest widen violently. He had become a broken shadow of his former self. His passion felt like it had died with his lover. His hopes and optimism had left him empty and ugly. Getting up to teach or to go to work got harder every morning.**

**He **_**knew**_** they were tools, **_**knew**_** their purpose was to serve the village and its clients above all, **_**knew **_**that at a moment's notice, the could—and sometimes would—be asked to give up everything for the village. There was no comfort in knowing that; the knowledge was cold and unyielding and did nothing to make his life whole again.**

**He hated himself so much. He hadn't known his lover was a member of ANBU; he had suspected, but always—foolishly—hoped that that he wasn't. He wouldn't have said those things like that if he had known. To know that all those times that Kakashi had left without a word was because he **_**couldn't**_** say anything made him hate himself even more. He had told his lover that he was tired of always being left alone, that his lover was terrible for leaving him alone like that all the time, that he had someone new…**

**A painful shudder ripped through his wasting form**** and he clutched the box tighter. The thought of finding someone to replace Kakashi made him feel brutally ill. He still couldn't get over his over his anguish that he had said **_**that**_**. There wasn't a hell deep enough or hot enough for him for saying **_**that**_** to his lover.**

**He still remembered the day after he had discovered that his lover had died. The Hokage—the very person who had ordered him to tell his lover not to come back—had issued a formal and public apology to him. He was sure it was to alleviate some of the Hokage's guilt for breaking up two lovers in such a way and to make sure that nobody killed him because he had done what he was told, but it was a hollow gesture. People still hated him for doing what he was told. People still thought he didn't love his lover because he was trying to keep his lover sharp. He still abhorred himself for doing it. No matter what the Hokage said or did, it didn't change the fact that Kakashi had died believing that Iruka didn't love him and didn't want him any more.**

**His fingers—no longer sure and strong—traced the name on the Memorial stone. He knew that regret wouldn't change anything, but he would do anything in the world to take back those words and let his lover know that he still cared for him.**** He halfway wished that the Hokage had waited on that worthless apology and then he could have happily died at the hands of Kakashi's fans.**

**But it didn't happen and he was too cowardly and selfless to kill himself. Instead, he was fading away, lonely, alone, and filled with self-loathing.**

**This wasn't how it was supposed to be.**

* * *

...I need to stop writing angst when I should be productive. Here, go read some happier sequels (replace spaces with periods): http:// www fanfiction net/s/3397392/1/ (by Zhem) or http://txilar livejournal com/79620 html (by Txilar)


End file.
